"Present" (I think)

Blogger roll call: I'm here, just barely hanging on.

While I'd like to get back to more interesting things like celebrity weight and prettiness, I'm in the midst of what has been the hardest week in what continues to be a really difficult time. When I left advertising in search of a more creative career, I knew it would be a long, hard road towards realizing my potential. I re-enrolled in school (something I never expected when I left undergrad) and now I find myself in a world that feels, well... uncomfortable.

I say uncomfortable because while I continually have to test my ability and talent (which in the end feels good) I also have wound up in a place where the next buck is a question mark and the next break is unknown. My emotion stems from a week of no sleep and constant homework (in a string of many), so yes, I'm exhausted and irrational, but in these moments it's possible to take a good hard look. I went from a "career" with direct deposit, a comfy desk, tech support and co-workers who made me laugh even when the job made me cry. Now I'm using my tax return to pay for school, buying art supplies on credit and turning down social functions because the money is just not there. On Sunday, my Superbowl contribution was Craisins (odd, I know), because I could spare them.

Get a job? I wish I even knew how to fit it in. The statistic for my program (if you believe it) is that 10% who start manage to finish within three years. I want to be one of the 10%. I want co-workers again, I want a life again, I want all these things. I know people do much more with much less time, but I'm struggling. And it's made me bitter. Hearing about a family friend of my boyfriend who will be arriving to the Olympic games on their jet this weekend makes me sick. While I've always thought private planes were extravagant, they never actually angered me. Now, the extravagance of it only serves as a real life example of how disproportionate wealth is - how clear the line is between the haves and the have nots. And while I have no right to say it's unfair, the fact that wealth like that is not put towards programs like scholarships and assistance -- it just seems misplaced. It's the fruit of their labor and one day, I should only hope to be so lucky. In the meantime, it serves as the tipping point for my frustration.

So tomorrow I wake up to more drawings and more assignments. And hopefully, having given my mind an outlet, I'll be able to sleep and the tightness in my throat that preludes tears will subside. Thanks for listening.